(FFFFFFFF)ART

I never really looked at the header for my school’s student website until now, and I’m concerned. Why does that girl have sock puppets, and why is she talking to them? What is that guy on the far right doing? Holding an invisible box? Pressing an invisible exercise spring together? More importantly, why is it invisible? Why does that guy have a piece of paper in front of his face? What is he hiding?

I think they think our student body is most accurately represented by people who obviously have some severe mental health problems.

Why doesn’t everyone in the world love me? I make rhyming jokes about bands on my twitter! Bet that hasn’t been done before.

So if Harry or Voldemort have an orgasm, does the other one feel it?

This is a serious inquiry I want answered by science.

A Guide to Hipster Writing

Delve right in. No introduction. Don’t use full sentences. Make sure. It makes no. Tangible sense. Now insert something about sunlight. Contrast it against something random and unconnected to make it seem deep and personal. Mayonnaise. Say you a lot with no fleshing out of who you is. Don’t flesh out who I is either. Characterization is for squares. Talk about missing you and loving you. Make sure it sounds emotionally dependent, needy, and unhealthy. oh right forget you have a shift key. you turn in to e.e. cummings’ protege as soon as you let go of the shift key. shift to listing random body parts. arm. blood vessels. toenails. compare your loneliness to a flower.

randomly

break

from

the

paragraph

and

just

list

words.

dreams and the universe. stars. tears. talk about touching a person, but say it’s like touching air, or a blanket out of the dryer, or a stuffed animal. go in to a very long run on sentence listing all the things you love like vintage bicycles and the mountain goats and lying in the grass and smoking cigarettes and whispering and painting fingernails and counting the veins in leaves and letting other people know how deep you are through these types of lists that are actually just a string of unconnected things that is supposed to be artsy through the fact nobody actually gets what you’re going for. now talk about fucking, because you love fucking. then talk about making love. then cry about the difference. more loneliness. this time say how it’s like a breeze through an empty room. keep talking about your unhealthy emotional dependance. other people just don’t get your love. finish it off now, don’t want it getting too long and losing reblog points. use a sweeping general statement. try: we are all people on a planet spinning in a universe.

How To Take a Facebook Profile Picture

So you want a new profile picture but are slightly below average looks wise and want to impress all your friends? No problem, just follow these simple steps.

Whip out your photobooth, we don’t want good quality here. Now, your first instinct might be to just look at the camera and smile. You’ll end up with something like this:

That doesn’t look right, you can clearly tell who you are and that you’re not vain enough to spend 40 minutes taking the perfect picture. We need to fix that. First off, you have to cut off or obscure at least 3/4 of your head. This will help you look more attractive/mysterious/hide how ugly you actually are. Bangs and hair help with that. Don’t smile either.

If you want to show more of your face, you have to do a couple of things. Tilt your head down so you look sexy and seductive for that creepy 40 year old dude you added because he said you had nice tits. Always crop of the top of your head. Don’t look directly at the camera, if you do you it’s basically acknowledging that you’re spending 2 hours taking photos of yourself, which is like totally incomprehensible because you’re sooo busy with hanging out with your friends all the time.

You can go two ways with the smiling. You can not smile and do the slight open mouth thing like you’re trying to remember whether you remembered to turn off the zebra print straightener before you put it on top of that pile of toilet paper.

Or you can smile like you’re in the middle of laughing at a really good joke your friend made about that bitch Sara and her megatits. Put your hand on your chin too, it helps with obscuring all those acne scars.

Oh and don’t forget black and white. It shows that you’re pretty AND artsy, and guys love girls with an artsy edge, it means you might let them stick it in your butt.

And that’s it! You’ve got the perfect profile picture, before you decide to change it a day later. Guys, I don’t know how to help you. Just snag a picture of you at a party holding a natty light with your bros and you’ll be fine.

There needs to be an easier way to order my iced coffee.

I basically order the exact opposite of a light and sweet iced coffee, and it’s always really awkward to have to say, “Only a little bit of milk and a little bit of sugar.” Wish I could just be like, “I’d like it dark and bitter please. Like my personality.”